Sunday, March 30, 2008

Bear or Chub… in the City?

This BLOG pretty much started because of a few debates. Am I a BEAR or a CHUB? Which is a better look for me? Could I really be happy as a Chub? If I have such a great face and smile why am I not attracting my type of guys?!?!?! Okay, so maybe the last one hasn’t been a topic yet. I haven’t really been emotionally slutty in my BLOGs and delved into the realm of my love life mostly because I’ve been really content with the status quo. Basically being single and enjoying all that it entails. Often it’s nothing more than some sporadic good sex, hanging with THE BOYS and working my ass off. You know what it’s like; you’ve seen a few episodes of Sex and the City (affectionately referred to as “SatC” from here on out). Except think gay guys, less fashion labels and more hair in all the hot places. OK! OKaaay! So the sex is not always good and at times there are more labels present than in the collective wardrobe of all six seasons of “SatC.” But the rest is accurate-- for the most part.

As a GEMINI if there was a “SatC” character I was most like I’d have to say --it’s ALL of them. There is a little Charlotte (prudent & naïve) but with lots of Samantha (the sex drive & open sexual aggressiveness) mixed in with a sprinkling of Carrie (hence the BLOG & all the writing) and Miranda (career oriented & little guy lover). Oh MAN!… STEVE (David Eigenberg) is HOT in this show. It’s quite funny that I was never much into the show until close to the end. Okay until I saw David Eigenberg on the show; but when Mikhail Baryshnikov & Carrier started to date-- I was HOOKED! Mikhail is the hottest little guy ever. After all these years I still have the HOTS for his 5’7” (WOOOOOF!!!!) ass. He may have just turned 60 this year on January 28 but that body, face and the whole package are in my book still FCUKEN HOT!! Deep breathe… calm down. I get worked up every time I think of a hot little guy like him. First saw him in a picture with Nancy Reagan in the paper and that was it. I was CRUSHED.

Where was I going with this? Hot little guys? Mmmmmm…. OKAY FOCUS! I’m not attracting them. I’m not sure what it is that I’m doing wrong. I’ve found a few and chatted but they are all across the pond. Europe seems to have a lot of the guys I like. But there are few guys here in the U.S., even less in the South Florida area, who react to my profile. Maybe I’m not really being clear what I like. Maybe I’m being much too open in my profile or not enough? I’m I targeting the wrong audience? Since I’ve never been into labels, am I not labeling myself accurately?? SOMEONE PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT I’M DOING WRONG!!! A quick survey of all these found that I’m looking for guys in the Bear/Chub communities; Bear chasers on Bear411 and Chubby chasers on BiggerCity. Well, that’s a good start since according to BiggerCity’s definitions a CHUB is a big guy who likes smaller guys and a BEAR is a husky or big guy who is definitely hairy. I’m definitely BOTH. So what is it?!?!?!

I’ve been working on losing the excess CHUB and getting myself back to the HUSKY BEAR size. The lack of confidence is likely the only factor that’s been keeping guys away. Seems I’ve lost my mojo and it’s time I recapture it again. I guess the first thing to do is give myself the MOJO jump start or giving myself a makeover. Emotionally for sure I need it but maybe even physically I can use one. It could be fun to try out different looks and along the way I’ll be trying out new vibes. I’ll make sure to take pictures of each to record the long journey. And since I think I’m going to take the paths I’ve never ventured in the past; if you seem along the way say “Hi!”

Monday, March 24, 2008

Growing older and nothing to show for it... (Part 1)

A few crazy things happened this weekend. After having a rough day Friday, I went with “The Boys” to Lincoln Road for drinks and some music. There was this hot little daddy which had me blushing every time he caught me staring at him. But I found myself uncomfortable with myself and could not approach him. My confidence was gone and by the time I worked up the courage to say something I found him off in a corner with another guy. A bit later one of “The Boys” was not feeling good and I decided to take him home. On the way I could not help and think about why I wasn’t able to approach the Hot Little Daddy. This was on my mind for some time after finally getting home at 5am and I went to bed thinking about it.

Five hours later I wake up to loud banging at my door, as I get out of bed I step into an inch of water and immediately jump back. Wasn’t that extension cord on the floor last night? I look for the extension and I had picked it up and put it in the garbage pail next to my bed. So I get up and hear the water blasting out from the water heater tank. Half asleep I look for the shutoff valve and after a minute of getting my face splashed with water I figured out how to turn it off. Headed back into my room to get dressed, so I could answer the door and realized, “SHIT!! The power strip is in the water!” I jumped onto the bed to try and unplug it. Got it; no harm. Finally I get to the door and as I stood there explaining to the maintenance guy why there was water running out of my apartment door I began realizing that it was all a crazy bunch of events. I could have woken-up this morning and stepped into my death.

I started looking back at my life and it wasn’t looking all that great back there. A lot of unaccomplished goals and many more un-perused dreams because of fear of the risks; risks not taken because of the uncertainty of it all. As I tried to salvage things which were under water in my apt I got to thinking; “If I would have been fried when I stepped into that water, what would have been left as evidence of my being in this world? If this would have been 10 feet of water in my apartment what accomplishments would be sunken under the water? Would anyone see my life as anything meaningful?” There weren’t many accomplishments when it came to the CURRENT state of affairs. Much less than Bush, this is pretty sad if you ask me.

Among the some of the things I was trying to salvage were the cloth from when I had lost all the weight. This was only 5 years earlier, and now I’m twice the size. I’ve allowed myself to balloon back to the heaviest I’ve ever been. This was not a good moment for me. I’ve always been pretty confidant even when I was heavy because I felt fine. But I’m no longer feeling fine. It more like I’m getting to that stereotypical state of obesity in which people get more sedentary. I need to snap myself out of this state of mind and work on getting myself up back. I need to journey into me and find the guy who was happy and thinner. I’m no longer happy in anyway.

It will be a hard journey but I need to get myself into a healthier place. Maybe I even need to get myself help to get rid of the excess skin which made me lose my focus and interest in being thin. Maybe I’ll start a fun for the surgery to get rid of it and maybe even get a fundraiser of sorts started. Whatever I need to do to get there and have the results I’m striving to achieve. There is a certain dissatisfaction that comes from NOT seeing a thin body after losing almost half your current weight. Looking into the mirror and staring at a bunch of hanging skin which adds about another 8 inches to you waist forcing you to buy those larger jeans because you need to hide that skin somewhere. At times even just fit it into your cloth. You are now fitting to work against something that you can get rid of.

I guess after that experience there is some learning that occurs. This time around I know that it will come and that it will be hard to get through those times. This time I’m prepared to do ANYTHING to get to my goal of losing the weight AND the excess skin. I’ll journal some of the problems and ideas here for you guys to enjoy. I think it might be interesting and encouraging to see someone lose well over 100 lbs in a healthy way. It all starts today. Wish me luck and I’ll see you at the end of the journey. I’ll be the guy who reached a goal and plans to hold on to it this time.

(More about the crazy thoughts which came to mind during this weekend coming soon)