Growing older and nothing to show for it... (Part 1)

A few crazy things happened this weekend. After having a rough day Friday, I went with “The Boys” to Lincoln Road for drinks and some music. There was this hot little daddy which had me blushing every time he caught me staring at him. But I found myself uncomfortable with myself and could not approach him. My confidence was gone and by the time I worked up the courage to say something I found him off in a corner with another guy. A bit later one of “The Boys” was not feeling good and I decided to take him home. On the way I could not help and think about why I wasn’t able to approach the Hot Little Daddy. This was on my mind for some time after finally getting home at 5am and I went to bed thinking about it.

Five hours later I wake up to loud banging at my door, as I get out of bed I step into an inch of water and immediately jump back. Wasn’t that extension cord on the floor last night? I look for the extension and I had picked it up and put it in the garbage pail next to my bed. So I get up and hear the water blasting out from the water heater tank. Half asleep I look for the shutoff valve and after a minute of getting my face splashed with water I figured out how to turn it off. Headed back into my room to get dressed, so I could answer the door and realized, “SHIT!! The power strip is in the water!” I jumped onto the bed to try and unplug it. Got it; no harm. Finally I get to the door and as I stood there explaining to the maintenance guy why there was water running out of my apartment door I began realizing that it was all a crazy bunch of events. I could have woken-up this morning and stepped into my death.

I started looking back at my life and it wasn’t looking all that great back there. A lot of unaccomplished goals and many more un-perused dreams because of fear of the risks; risks not taken because of the uncertainty of it all. As I tried to salvage things which were under water in my apt I got to thinking; “If I would have been fried when I stepped into that water, what would have been left as evidence of my being in this world? If this would have been 10 feet of water in my apartment what accomplishments would be sunken under the water? Would anyone see my life as anything meaningful?” There weren’t many accomplishments when it came to the CURRENT state of affairs. Much less than Bush, this is pretty sad if you ask me.

Among the some of the things I was trying to salvage were the cloth from when I had lost all the weight. This was only 5 years earlier, and now I’m twice the size. I’ve allowed myself to balloon back to the heaviest I’ve ever been. This was not a good moment for me. I’ve always been pretty confidant even when I was heavy because I felt fine. But I’m no longer feeling fine. It more like I’m getting to that stereotypical state of obesity in which people get more sedentary. I need to snap myself out of this state of mind and work on getting myself up back. I need to journey into me and find the guy who was happy and thinner. I’m no longer happy in anyway.

It will be a hard journey but I need to get myself into a healthier place. Maybe I even need to get myself help to get rid of the excess skin which made me lose my focus and interest in being thin. Maybe I’ll start a fun for the surgery to get rid of it and maybe even get a fundraiser of sorts started. Whatever I need to do to get there and have the results I’m striving to achieve. There is a certain dissatisfaction that comes from NOT seeing a thin body after losing almost half your current weight. Looking into the mirror and staring at a bunch of hanging skin which adds about another 8 inches to you waist forcing you to buy those larger jeans because you need to hide that skin somewhere. At times even just fit it into your cloth. You are now fitting to work against something that you can get rid of.

I guess after that experience there is some learning that occurs. This time around I know that it will come and that it will be hard to get through those times. This time I’m prepared to do ANYTHING to get to my goal of losing the weight AND the excess skin. I’ll journal some of the problems and ideas here for you guys to enjoy. I think it might be interesting and encouraging to see someone lose well over 100 lbs in a healthy way. It all starts today. Wish me luck and I’ll see you at the end of the journey. I’ll be the guy who reached a goal and plans to hold on to it this time.

(More about the crazy thoughts which came to mind during this weekend coming soon)