Old Fashioned or a Prude? (A Romantic’s Requiem)

WOW!! Almost five months since my last posted entry. It really didn’t feel like that long. Time flies by when life keeps you entertained or occupied. The usual thoughts and REAL LIFE passing by have kept me not wanting to miss a minute and trying to keep up with it all. During this short time so many different aspects of this thing called life have presented themselves in mine. Birth, death, rebirth, aging, and many others. Most importantly one type has been on my mind lately which is the one relating to my heart. A few days ago I heard Jason Mraz song “Lucky (featuring Colbie Caillat)” and the lyrics got me thinking if I would be able to say that I’m "Lucky to have been where I have been…Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed.” Would I be able to say it to myself (and truly mean)?

Earlier this year, I hit the Big Easy for one of the most popular weekends in New Orleans. It’s the weekend to leave all inhibitions and give into carnal debauchery. It is “thee weekend” in which weeks of drunken stupors and naughty behavior all culminates up to Mardi Gras, or Fat Tuesday, just before the beginning of Lint. Throughout the weekend the streets of the French Quarter are filled with people, young and old, straight and gay, giving into the 24 hour party and debauchery that they restrain from all year. It was like watching kids in a candy store. Well not exactly, more like adults in an ADULT candyland.

It was my first Mardi Gras and I don’t believe it will be my last. But I found myself in a bit of a bind (NOT LITTERALLY, albeit there was the offer). There were many times when I felt a bit out of place by all the offers to as it was plainly proposed more than one "fuck right (t)here." I consider myself an extremely sexual guy but at times I think a bit old-fashioned. Or is it more of a prude guy? Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of skeletons in my closet. But there has always been a sense of seclusion and a bit of relaxation in those moments. It’s possibly just a little shyness; I don’t mind there to be a bit of a risk factor but the fact is that I have to be mentally at ease and not thinking about my surroundings.

I have a hard time performing on demand when I’m in plain view or on display for an audience. Albeit in a comfortable situation there is no problem with public sex if it’s discrete. It’s just a matter of being watched by too many people. Something about being the object of observation that affects my game. But the minute I’m in a situation where I don’t feel watched, it’s all game. So does this mean I’m getting old, am I just an old fashioned guy, or truly a prude at heart? Thinking back to that weekend there was plenty of FUN to be had and I just passed it up. But at the moment I really didn’t feel like I was missing out. So how come I feel like I was a “lame-dumb-ass” all weekend for looking for something more meaningful than a good time? In a world where there is SO MUCH SEXUAL ENERGY was it really the place? Or in my case was it really the time to be seeking out something more?

Almost 6 months later I’m back at the same place; thinking if I should just be having FUN and stop thinking about the fact I’ve not settled down yet. There is so much I still haven’t done in my life and want to get out of my system before I finally feel accomplished. So if that’s the case why not stop being a helpless romantic and just live LIFE -- and let life LIVE itself. I guess when you begin to hit the mid-life point there is a few ways of looking at your personal history. Through your accomplishments, the lack there of, or through the failures but who is to say which is which? No one but myself can really judge me. ONLY I AM MY OWN JUDGE and lately I’ve been doing a lot of judging it seems.

I’ve been thinking back to the failed love interests in my life with which I thought I was truly in love. And I have begun to think to myself if I was really “just breaking my own heart” because it was only real to no one except to me??? It’s kind of hard to believe you can go through a whole life fabricating relationships that don’t exist. How can PERSON-A have PERSON-B who came into their life; have shared the essence of each other emotionally and physically; and that there was no reciprocating of emotions happening? How can two people share deep emotions and intimacy with one another and later PERSON-B bold facedly tell PERSON-A that it’s an unrequited love? That unfortunately PERSON-A was reading into the situation and that PERSON-B was simply enjoying the situation thinking both were doing the same. But PERSON-B really wants to remain just as “close of friends” as the way that both have been. In other words, that it would be great to continue sharing the emotional intimacy and physical sex but there should be no hope for anything more than a friendship. Well wouldn’t that make PERSON-A “emotionally slutty” and therefore be selling themselves short?

These days as I step back I realize that I’ve simply given too much of myself to a few undeserving people. They have not just received “the friend” but also “the lover” that is me. Have I just been attracting them “physically” but not drawing them in “emotionally” at all?? Obviously I’ve been investing the best of both “me-s” into something I thought was there but with no possibility to collect on any returns. I guess the renderings and the models must be well designed since I have fallen for the sales pitch. But these were definitely not FDIC protected “emotional” investments. It’s not like there has been that many in my life but even the less than a handful is enough to have wasted a good portion of my life. I’ve pulled out on these investments for some time now and I’m wondering if some how I could get convinced to reinvest into any of them? If I go back to being friends with these people am I still putting back into the failed bad stock? Should I cut my losses and leave these so called “friends” out of my life? In other words, can you still be friends with someone that you have shared the most intimate of relationships and not feel truly emotionally attached to these people?

For now I’m thinking of just investing all my energies back into the one stock that always gives me a good return -MYSELF!! ;-) I’ve been for some time getting myself back into the groove of eating right and exercising. I’m not going to pursue getting into the thin me [see #2) Thin BigBearMIA on this page] but more of “a ‘tween-me” that I can feel happy with. Somewhere in the area of “happy me” and “sexy me” where I’m not left feeling like I’m doing the efforts in vain. But it’s not just the weight loss I’m investing into; this time I want to diversify my self-investments. I want to spread it to other areas including into those things around me. But I’m wondering if my cautious investing will help me steer clear from falling for the shady prospectives that arise? I guess the “romantic” in me has fallen into an “emotional-coma” of sorts. But I know that the only thing that can get that romantic back out of the coma is to put my faith into an investment that gives me a return. But for now I think I’m keeping the morphine drip going to keep the romantic asleep and safe from harm.