At Last...

First I want to congratulate Obama, Michelle and The Bidens for a day of greatness.

From this morning’s events and speeches to actually standing the whole time during the parade as the people were passing by to make sure that every single one felt the honor of having the attention of their president. To the continuous appearances they have made at each Inauguration Ball this evening.

It has been a day of much emotion for me. For a few weeks I’ve been anticipating this day and finally today change has come to this country. We will all have something to do to get this country back to its full potential and earn back the admiration of our country and in turn the world. I proudly await for my marching instructions from your/mine/our fine President.

Tonight I’ve spent some time listening to him speak at the Inaugural Balls. At each both he and Michelle were very elegant and distinct. But to hear them speak at The Youth Ball made we realize why I decide to campaign and have been so full of hope for change these past few month. As in the words of Mahatma Gandhi, today has made me realize why I’ve gotten inspired to “be the change you want to see in the world.” It’s because I’ve been dead in spirit for the last eight. I lost faith in our country and what we can do as a people.

“But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions — that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America,” as Obama said earlier today. “Now let’s go change America!”

VOTE (early) FOR CHANGE… Starting today, every day is Election Day in 34 states.

Early voting is fast, easy, and it could make the difference in crucial battleground states. Show your friends and family that you've made up your mind and you're ready for change now. Find out if your state is one of the 34 (plus the District of Columbia) that is eligible to vote in person or by mail starting today.

Take the first step today. Find your Early Vote location.

Early voting is simple, safe, and convenient. It's also a vital part of the Obama strategy.

The more supporters who make their voices heard now, the more energy and resources we can devote to our get out the vote efforts closer to Election Day.

Early vote today and see if you can get five or more friends to early vote with you.

All across the country, Obama supporters like you are working together to grow this movement for change. I know that families in this country (and around the world) can't afford four more years of failed Bush-McCain policies.

That's why we need you to help make sure we have an advantage in Florida before Election Day.

Take a moment now to fill out some basic information and make your voice heard:

http://www.voteforchange.com

This is our chance to take America in a new direction -- so the next four years don't look like the last eight.

We can't do this without you.

Thanks,

BigBearMIA


P.S. -- After you early vote, help Barack bring the change we need to Washington by making sure others vote, as well. Adopt Five Voters and make sure they vote for Barack:

http://adoptfive.barackobama.com

Love Jaded (Damaged or Lucky Bastard?)

I’ve heard that in order to find “LOVE” you need to put yourself out there both emotionally and physically. But after years of searching for "thee one" and failing at it, do you continue to look or is it pointless? Besides shouldn’t one just let love find you? Shouldn’t this be something that takes no effort or is that some fairy tail fantasy?

Recently I started thinking about the situations in which I felt I was not up to pare as I’d like to have been and it was moments in which I was thinking of someone else. Could there be something about thinking of someone you miss and that being the causes of some lack interest? In a man, I think this should not be a factor. I use to be such a guy and didn’t care about anything else in the world except the moment I was in and the fact that I was about to get my dick sucked or I was going to fuck a hot ass. But are all bets off the moment you give a piece of you heart away?

It seems lately I been having a hard time getting passed a heartbreak or is it the rekindle of an old one?? Okay so maybe it’s neither but more of a yarning for an object of my affection in my life. Myabe I've gone soft? Maybe I just want to find someone to fall in love with? There seems to be something about that which I think is true. I think there is something about me being in love that seems to be a yarning. I’m my best when I’m in love or at the very least think I’m in love. Seems I can be quite a romantic and a catch for all my objects of affection; or so they say.

BUT am I just fooling myself by thinking that I can survive being a player and not caring about any guy I meet? Or even worst that I can fall for any one I meet and fall in love with just any random guy I meet? Or is it more like that a happy ever after IS out there and that I always knew this was treu? Or knew who that someone is?

Well the reality is that I HAVE NOT found any answers because my life is NOT a show with a fall season premiere that ties everything together over the summer. This summer did not proof to be much of a fix to a fucked up life and as the summer ends today and the fall beings this is just another chapter in this BigBear’s life in MIA. BUT I PROMISE that this FALL I’m let things get a little juicier and more interesting because I’m really ready to put myself out there. And who knows I might just have a companion on my next URBAN ADVENTURE. He might just be reading this entry and realize that I'm worth the gamble in this lifetime.

XoxO BigBearMIA

NOT MY USUAL WRITING BUT MORE OF A PLEADING QUESTION… CONTRACEPTION IS ABORTION?

Hi y'all,
I had to share something with anyone who would listen. Can you imagine living in a place where birth control is considered an "abortion" and health insurers won't cover it? Where even rape victims are denied emergency contraception?

It seems unbelievable, but the Bush Administration is quietly trying to redefine "abortion" to include birth control. This is CRAZY!! The Houston Chronicle says this could wipe out dozens of state laws that protect women's reproductive freedom and protect rape victims. And this proposed "rule change" doesn't need congressional approval. Which is EVEN MORE CRAZY!!! One more Bush-SHIT for the history books. It’s as if he wants to out do the ignorance of the McCarthyism and over shadow that history with the Bush-ism era. An even more IGNORANT era in US history.

I just signed a message to Health and Human Services Secretary Mike Leavitt, whose department is considering this rule change, telling him: "Contraception is NOT abortion." Can you add your voice to this cause? Click here to sign the message: http://pol.moveon.org/contraception/?r_by=13468-9794795-OoLMiEx&rc=comment_paste

Thanks!
XoxO BigBearMIA

Old Fashioned or a Prude? (A Romantic’s Requiem)

WOW!! Almost five months since my last posted entry. It really didn’t feel like that long. Time flies by when life keeps you entertained or occupied. The usual thoughts and REAL LIFE passing by have kept me not wanting to miss a minute and trying to keep up with it all. During this short time so many different aspects of this thing called life have presented themselves in mine. Birth, death, rebirth, aging, and many others. Most importantly one type has been on my mind lately which is the one relating to my heart. A few days ago I heard Jason Mraz song “Lucky (featuring Colbie Caillat)” and the lyrics got me thinking if I would be able to say that I’m "Lucky to have been where I have been…Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed.” Would I be able to say it to myself (and truly mean)?

Earlier this year, I hit the Big Easy for one of the most popular weekends in New Orleans. It’s the weekend to leave all inhibitions and give into carnal debauchery. It is “thee weekend” in which weeks of drunken stupors and naughty behavior all culminates up to Mardi Gras, or Fat Tuesday, just before the beginning of Lint. Throughout the weekend the streets of the French Quarter are filled with people, young and old, straight and gay, giving into the 24 hour party and debauchery that they restrain from all year. It was like watching kids in a candy store. Well not exactly, more like adults in an ADULT candyland.

It was my first Mardi Gras and I don’t believe it will be my last. But I found myself in a bit of a bind (NOT LITTERALLY, albeit there was the offer). There were many times when I felt a bit out of place by all the offers to as it was plainly proposed more than one "fuck right (t)here." I consider myself an extremely sexual guy but at times I think a bit old-fashioned. Or is it more of a prude guy? Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of skeletons in my closet. But there has always been a sense of seclusion and a bit of relaxation in those moments. It’s possibly just a little shyness; I don’t mind there to be a bit of a risk factor but the fact is that I have to be mentally at ease and not thinking about my surroundings.

I have a hard time performing on demand when I’m in plain view or on display for an audience. Albeit in a comfortable situation there is no problem with public sex if it’s discrete. It’s just a matter of being watched by too many people. Something about being the object of observation that affects my game. But the minute I’m in a situation where I don’t feel watched, it’s all game. So does this mean I’m getting old, am I just an old fashioned guy, or truly a prude at heart? Thinking back to that weekend there was plenty of FUN to be had and I just passed it up. But at the moment I really didn’t feel like I was missing out. So how come I feel like I was a “lame-dumb-ass” all weekend for looking for something more meaningful than a good time? In a world where there is SO MUCH SEXUAL ENERGY was it really the place? Or in my case was it really the time to be seeking out something more?

Almost 6 months later I’m back at the same place; thinking if I should just be having FUN and stop thinking about the fact I’ve not settled down yet. There is so much I still haven’t done in my life and want to get out of my system before I finally feel accomplished. So if that’s the case why not stop being a helpless romantic and just live LIFE -- and let life LIVE itself. I guess when you begin to hit the mid-life point there is a few ways of looking at your personal history. Through your accomplishments, the lack there of, or through the failures but who is to say which is which? No one but myself can really judge me. ONLY I AM MY OWN JUDGE and lately I’ve been doing a lot of judging it seems.

I’ve been thinking back to the failed love interests in my life with which I thought I was truly in love. And I have begun to think to myself if I was really “just breaking my own heart” because it was only real to no one except to me??? It’s kind of hard to believe you can go through a whole life fabricating relationships that don’t exist. How can PERSON-A have PERSON-B who came into their life; have shared the essence of each other emotionally and physically; and that there was no reciprocating of emotions happening? How can two people share deep emotions and intimacy with one another and later PERSON-B bold facedly tell PERSON-A that it’s an unrequited love? That unfortunately PERSON-A was reading into the situation and that PERSON-B was simply enjoying the situation thinking both were doing the same. But PERSON-B really wants to remain just as “close of friends” as the way that both have been. In other words, that it would be great to continue sharing the emotional intimacy and physical sex but there should be no hope for anything more than a friendship. Well wouldn’t that make PERSON-A “emotionally slutty” and therefore be selling themselves short?

These days as I step back I realize that I’ve simply given too much of myself to a few undeserving people. They have not just received “the friend” but also “the lover” that is me. Have I just been attracting them “physically” but not drawing them in “emotionally” at all?? Obviously I’ve been investing the best of both “me-s” into something I thought was there but with no possibility to collect on any returns. I guess the renderings and the models must be well designed since I have fallen for the sales pitch. But these were definitely not FDIC protected “emotional” investments. It’s not like there has been that many in my life but even the less than a handful is enough to have wasted a good portion of my life. I’ve pulled out on these investments for some time now and I’m wondering if some how I could get convinced to reinvest into any of them? If I go back to being friends with these people am I still putting back into the failed bad stock? Should I cut my losses and leave these so called “friends” out of my life? In other words, can you still be friends with someone that you have shared the most intimate of relationships and not feel truly emotionally attached to these people?

For now I’m thinking of just investing all my energies back into the one stock that always gives me a good return -MYSELF!! ;-) I’ve been for some time getting myself back into the groove of eating right and exercising. I’m not going to pursue getting into the thin me [see #2) Thin BigBearMIA on this page] but more of “a ‘tween-me” that I can feel happy with. Somewhere in the area of “happy me” and “sexy me” where I’m not left feeling like I’m doing the efforts in vain. But it’s not just the weight loss I’m investing into; this time I want to diversify my self-investments. I want to spread it to other areas including into those things around me. But I’m wondering if my cautious investing will help me steer clear from falling for the shady prospectives that arise? I guess the “romantic” in me has fallen into an “emotional-coma” of sorts. But I know that the only thing that can get that romantic back out of the coma is to put my faith into an investment that gives me a return. But for now I think I’m keeping the morphine drip going to keep the romantic asleep and safe from harm.

Bear or Chub… in the City?

This BLOG pretty much started because of a few debates. Am I a BEAR or a CHUB? Which is a better look for me? Could I really be happy as a Chub? If I have such a great face and smile why am I not attracting my type of guys?!?!?! Okay, so maybe the last one hasn’t been a topic yet. I haven’t really been emotionally slutty in my BLOGs and delved into the realm of my love life mostly because I’ve been really content with the status quo. Basically being single and enjoying all that it entails. Often it’s nothing more than some sporadic good sex, hanging with THE BOYS and working my ass off. You know what it’s like; you’ve seen a few episodes of Sex and the City (affectionately referred to as “SatC” from here on out). Except think gay guys, less fashion labels and more hair in all the hot places. OK! OKaaay! So the sex is not always good and at times there are more labels present than in the collective wardrobe of all six seasons of “SatC.” But the rest is accurate-- for the most part.

As a GEMINI if there was a “SatC” character I was most like I’d have to say --it’s ALL of them. There is a little Charlotte (prudent & naïve) but with lots of Samantha (the sex drive & open sexual aggressiveness) mixed in with a sprinkling of Carrie (hence the BLOG & all the writing) and Miranda (career oriented & little guy lover). Oh MAN!… STEVE (David Eigenberg) is HOT in this show. It’s quite funny that I was never much into the show until close to the end. Okay until I saw David Eigenberg on the show; but when Mikhail Baryshnikov & Carrier started to date-- I was HOOKED! Mikhail is the hottest little guy ever. After all these years I still have the HOTS for his 5’7” (WOOOOOF!!!!) ass. He may have just turned 60 this year on January 28 but that body, face and the whole package are in my book still FCUKEN HOT!! Deep breathe… calm down. I get worked up every time I think of a hot little guy like him. First saw him in a picture with Nancy Reagan in the paper and that was it. I was CRUSHED.

Where was I going with this? Hot little guys? Mmmmmm…. OKAY FOCUS! I’m not attracting them. I’m not sure what it is that I’m doing wrong. I’ve found a few and chatted but they are all across the pond. Europe seems to have a lot of the guys I like. But there are few guys here in the U.S., even less in the South Florida area, who react to my profile. Maybe I’m not really being clear what I like. Maybe I’m being much too open in my profile or not enough? I’m I targeting the wrong audience? Since I’ve never been into labels, am I not labeling myself accurately?? SOMEONE PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT I’M DOING WRONG!!! A quick survey of all these found that I’m looking for guys in the Bear/Chub communities; Bear chasers on Bear411 and Chubby chasers on BiggerCity. Well, that’s a good start since according to BiggerCity’s definitions a CHUB is a big guy who likes smaller guys and a BEAR is a husky or big guy who is definitely hairy. I’m definitely BOTH. So what is it?!?!?!

I’ve been working on losing the excess CHUB and getting myself back to the HUSKY BEAR size. The lack of confidence is likely the only factor that’s been keeping guys away. Seems I’ve lost my mojo and it’s time I recapture it again. I guess the first thing to do is give myself the MOJO jump start or giving myself a makeover. Emotionally for sure I need it but maybe even physically I can use one. It could be fun to try out different looks and along the way I’ll be trying out new vibes. I’ll make sure to take pictures of each to record the long journey. And since I think I’m going to take the paths I’ve never ventured in the past; if you seem along the way say “Hi!”

Growing older and nothing to show for it... (Part 1)

A few crazy things happened this weekend. After having a rough day Friday, I went with “The Boys” to Lincoln Road for drinks and some music. There was this hot little daddy which had me blushing every time he caught me staring at him. But I found myself uncomfortable with myself and could not approach him. My confidence was gone and by the time I worked up the courage to say something I found him off in a corner with another guy. A bit later one of “The Boys” was not feeling good and I decided to take him home. On the way I could not help and think about why I wasn’t able to approach the Hot Little Daddy. This was on my mind for some time after finally getting home at 5am and I went to bed thinking about it.

Five hours later I wake up to loud banging at my door, as I get out of bed I step into an inch of water and immediately jump back. Wasn’t that extension cord on the floor last night? I look for the extension and I had picked it up and put it in the garbage pail next to my bed. So I get up and hear the water blasting out from the water heater tank. Half asleep I look for the shutoff valve and after a minute of getting my face splashed with water I figured out how to turn it off. Headed back into my room to get dressed, so I could answer the door and realized, “SHIT!! The power strip is in the water!” I jumped onto the bed to try and unplug it. Got it; no harm. Finally I get to the door and as I stood there explaining to the maintenance guy why there was water running out of my apartment door I began realizing that it was all a crazy bunch of events. I could have woken-up this morning and stepped into my death.

I started looking back at my life and it wasn’t looking all that great back there. A lot of unaccomplished goals and many more un-perused dreams because of fear of the risks; risks not taken because of the uncertainty of it all. As I tried to salvage things which were under water in my apt I got to thinking; “If I would have been fried when I stepped into that water, what would have been left as evidence of my being in this world? If this would have been 10 feet of water in my apartment what accomplishments would be sunken under the water? Would anyone see my life as anything meaningful?” There weren’t many accomplishments when it came to the CURRENT state of affairs. Much less than Bush, this is pretty sad if you ask me.

Among the some of the things I was trying to salvage were the cloth from when I had lost all the weight. This was only 5 years earlier, and now I’m twice the size. I’ve allowed myself to balloon back to the heaviest I’ve ever been. This was not a good moment for me. I’ve always been pretty confidant even when I was heavy because I felt fine. But I’m no longer feeling fine. It more like I’m getting to that stereotypical state of obesity in which people get more sedentary. I need to snap myself out of this state of mind and work on getting myself up back. I need to journey into me and find the guy who was happy and thinner. I’m no longer happy in anyway.

It will be a hard journey but I need to get myself into a healthier place. Maybe I even need to get myself help to get rid of the excess skin which made me lose my focus and interest in being thin. Maybe I’ll start a fun for the surgery to get rid of it and maybe even get a fundraiser of sorts started. Whatever I need to do to get there and have the results I’m striving to achieve. There is a certain dissatisfaction that comes from NOT seeing a thin body after losing almost half your current weight. Looking into the mirror and staring at a bunch of hanging skin which adds about another 8 inches to you waist forcing you to buy those larger jeans because you need to hide that skin somewhere. At times even just fit it into your cloth. You are now fitting to work against something that you can get rid of.

I guess after that experience there is some learning that occurs. This time around I know that it will come and that it will be hard to get through those times. This time I’m prepared to do ANYTHING to get to my goal of losing the weight AND the excess skin. I’ll journal some of the problems and ideas here for you guys to enjoy. I think it might be interesting and encouraging to see someone lose well over 100 lbs in a healthy way. It all starts today. Wish me luck and I’ll see you at the end of the journey. I’ll be the guy who reached a goal and plans to hold on to it this time.

(More about the crazy thoughts which came to mind during this weekend coming soon)